Gratitude in All of It
Which does not mean FOR all of it.
During my yoga teacher training, my smaller group occasionally joked that the theme of everything was gratitude - it was the ever-present example when our teachers were demonstrating how to use a thematic concept, it was the theme of practices in our training and outside of it, it was the most-selected option for self-care lessons that we were learning to facilitate. My final facilitation group purposely chose a different theme because it seemed like it was, well, a little bit overdone.
Gratitude can easily start to feel like a trite thing-you-get-printed-on-a-sticker from Etsy because of its ubiquity. But like many cliches, there’s something of a reason they show up everywhere. There is considerable science to show that gratitude has both physical and mental health benefits for us; when we’re able to focus on what we have rather than what we’re lacking, we have more resources to weather the storms we face.
The other reason I tend to chafe at gratitude is that I feel like it can be weaponized against helping professionals (and others) as a bandage on a deeply broken system. While not usually directly spoken, it’s sometimes implied: if I can be grateful for my time with my students, that will make up for the lack of resources my district has to serve them. If my colleague can be grateful for our health insurance, that will make up for the fact that she has no paid maternity leave. If we can be grateful that our campus is not struggling as much or in the same ways as other campuses, that should alleviate our exhaustion. While I believe deeply in the power of a gratitude practice, this line of thinking can make me shake with frustration.
Which I have to imagine is how my students feel, at times, when I ask them to start class with three deep breaths or to create their own gratitude lists. I can almost see the thought bubbles as they roll their eyes (or comply because it’s easier than resisting): “Miss, I’m dealing with [my baby brother crying all night/grief/algebra/friend drama/the fact that you don’t speak the language I’m most comfortable with/not being sure if I’m being bullied or if this is just how middle school is…it’s a very long list] and you’re over here saying if I just breathe things will get better; have you lost your mind?” And, yes, sometimes, I also feel like I’m applying a Band-Aid when what’s needed is so much bigger and more complex than that.
And yet. I believe the research that indicates that gratitude is good for us, and I believe you have to start somewhere. I also believe that, however drop-in-the-bucket they seem, is an ethical failing on my part if I know about these practices and choose not to share them. This is one of those situations where all the things can be true at the same time.
Last Tuesday, I had what can politely be described as a rough day. I started the day with an intervention class that has too many students to include productive intervention practices, and many of those students have been poorly served by the system so their orientations toward school are not the most positive for reasons. On the days I can remember all those words I just typed, things go better. On Tuesday, I did not remember any of those things. I was so overstimulated that I lost my cool. We were supposed to be reading a fairly straightforward article about the science of gratitude to lead into a variety of gratitude-themed writing and creative activities. Instead, the students did a lot of yelling over me and I did a lot of yelling back at them. I said some things that I regret and apologized for later. (No, the irony of losing my cool on a day we were supposed to be reading about gratitude is not lost on me…I almost cut this paragraph because I feel like an idiot). I drew on every reserve I had to guide the class back on some kind of track; as I read each paragraph of the gratitude article aloud, I took deep breaths and tried really hard to believe the article. The next class, things were better. The students chose their activities (letters, leaves with sentence stems, written mandalas, word webs) and largely completed them, and there was enough calm for a few short conversations with students about not-school. My other classes had a simple “what are you grateful for?” warm up, and I had more students volunteer to share than on any day that I can remember. What surprised me more than anything was how many of my 11-year-olds simply responded, “life” or “being here.” I was not perceptive enough at their age to be simply grateful for this, getting to be part of this. Their direct reminder, as well as the better day following a terrible day, brought me a deep sense of gratitude, as well equally important reminder that all of this is a practice. There’s no way we’re good at it all the time.
One thing that’s helped me with the paradox of gratitude’s ubiquity in think pieces and the like is looking for ways to be grateful in all of the situations without falling into the trap (that the broken systems would VERY much like me to) of being grateful FOR the situations. I can be grateful in witnessing the tenacity of my multilingual students without accepting that they should HAVE to be so tough in a system that doesn’t serve them well. I can be grateful that my husband made dinner for the 90th day in a row because I don’t have the energy to do so without being grateful FOR the stressors that make that situation so. I can be grateful in noticing small moments of comfort and cheer in an otherwise challenging day without being grateful for the things that made it challenging. Of course, I realize that sometimes we are grateful for challenges we face later on because they helped us grow, but I reject the premise that I should be grateful for being miserable in the moment that something feels impossible. I do, however, accept the idea that if I can find a small moment or item of gratitude within that frustration, the anxiety might lift just a little, to let in just a little bit more light.
At the risk of adding to the phenomenon that I’m complaining about, I’d love to read any part of your own gratitude list that you’d like to share.
An Incomprehensive List of Things I Am Grateful For:
That my dog makes me laugh every day.
Living in a place with weather that enables me to, relatively comfortable, be outside most of the year.
My brain’s ability to process things with words.
A far-flung and wildly diverse group of friends who make pinprick holes in the dark moments, again letting enough light to move forward.
Co-workers who I genuinely look forward to seeing and miss when I’m not at work.
The repetitive comfort of fiber crafts.
I have enjoyed all three books by Roselle Lim, but this one was my favorite.
I have a candle problem, and this company is my favorite. The cranberry marmalade is the best fall-to-winter transition scent I can imagine.
I’ve spent some time this week reorganizing and getting rid of things that no longer spark joy (I know, I know). These Y-weave baskets have been my favorite tool for years, and I’m grateful they still exist.
This profile about Plains, Georgia in the wake of Rosalynn Carter’s death both made my heart ache and expand.
I’m finding my way back to my newsletter stash, many of which I haven’t made time to read in several months. This one hit home this week.
All the gift guide content. Particularly excited that the NYT has one this year that mirrors (ish) the format of the NPR Book Concierge that I love. I rarely buy anything from these lists, and generally dislike the consumerist frenzy of this time of year, but there’s something comforting about having someone else curate a list of interesting items to peruse.
I’m teaching a gratitude-themed class on Wednesday evening, 6:00pm-7:30pm Central Time. If you want to find some gratitude IN whatever situation you find yourself and some mid-week gratitude, please join me!
