Autumn Light
On Illuminating What Was There All Along
Today is the autumn equinox, the day of equal light and dark.
I’ve learned in the past 5 years that summer is actually not a great season for me. The heat (yes, I know, I know, I moved somewhere with eternal summer) does weird things to my head, and the lack of structure makes it hard to sort those weird things out. I tend to have a lot of mixed feelings about the season as a whole, and the pressure to “make the most of it” turns my perfectionist brain into a some kind of Frankenstein weather event (sharknado? bomb cyclone? heat dome?). I need the rest that summer offers in my line of work, but I don’t always find rest easy to come by.
As someone who used to dread fall and call it something like “the beginning of the season of death” only half-jokingly, the fact that I actively look forward to the darker half of the year is still surprising. But this morning, after a tumultuous last couple of months (which turns out to be just “August and September” in this season of public education), the clouds obscured the sun for the first couple of hours I was up, so it was cooler, and the light coming through was a bit more amber than bright.
I pulled the death tarot card (always ominous, but also supportive), which felt fitting for the beginning of fall. While I was flippant about “the season of death,” autumn is a reminder that everything is cyclical, and that, in Mari’s words, “there is no such thing as a permanent state; change is the very energy that creates and sustains life.”
As I was thinking how surprising it is that I’m looking forward to the next six months (the quiet, the cozy, the introspective space, the eventual slowing down of my work pace - hopefully), I pulled out a notebook that I use to track various things, and was a bit shocked to discover that I haven’t written anything in it since MY BIRTHDAY, which was at the end of May. Granted, my dog had emergency surgery two days later and it took a while to get back to an equilibrium after that, but it also kind of explained why I’ve been feeling off-kilter, less able to access my tools for grounding under less-than-ideal circumstances. I’ve been far away from my planner, too, which is moderately horrifying, as that tool is both my daily on-paper home and my way to plan and manage the chaos. I’ve been far away from my fancy teacher planner/to-do list at work, too, jumping from one massive project to the next, somehow finishing things before they need to be done, but feeling behind 100% of the time. I’m between books and craft projects, both of which can help me remember that I’m a fully functional human outside of work. I’ve kept going through the motions with yoga, with breathing with my kids at the beginning of class, with mantras in the morning, but I’ve felt so discombobulated that I’m not sure ANY of that was really landing the way I know it can.
So it was interesting to be hit, suddenly this morning, with the realization that
OF COURSE I’ve felt far away from center. Regardless of the reason I’m far away from the tools, I’ve been far away from the tools. And the tools are what we use to help us reach for balance.
Meditation isn’t about sitting still and “being zen” (whatever that means); it’s about sitting still and seeing what happens and inviting the mind, again and again, back to the present moment, back to the object of focus, back to center. Journaling isn’t about understanding it all perfectly; it’s about inviting the brain to process the information so maybe it’ll trend gently toward understanding. A to-do list (for me, though I know not for everyone, is a pretty sacred tool) is not a tyrant but a manifestation of priorities for both what matters most and what must be done to be able to keep working toward what matters most.
Autumn, while a season of changing, of trending toward the dark, is also a season about balance, abundance, and gratitude. It’s about harmony, and about preparing for the darker, colder times ahead while celebrating all that we have with which to undertake those preparations. It’s less about creating something new and more about recognizing and working with what’s already here. And maybe that’s a reminder that we could all use more frequently than one season a year: gratitude isn’t about what’s missing or reaching a goal to fill a gap; it’s about noticing what’s already present, in and amongst the other things that we might wish were different. It’s possible, and it’s essential to look toward what’s here before places of lack.
Some things that I’m noting are already here:
I already know that my fall semester workload isn’t sustainable, and that knowledge is power.
I already know some things that worked last year to manage an unsustainable workload, and I have some sense of how to employ them under different circumstances this year.
I already am starting a master’s degree program to address what I want my future work life to look like on Tuesday.
I already have a partnership with another teacher to help teach my students about fall gardening, something that feels like the reason I went into teaching in the first place.
I already have a foundational knowledge of my students from last year, and the value of this cannot be overstated.
I already have organizational systems (at school, at home, for this newsletter and teaching space) that I can come back to and don’t have to recreate from scratch.
I already have strategies for coping with an earlier sunset that is coming gradually now and eventually all at once. I also already know how grateful I’ll be for the sun being up when I leave for work in the morning at the moment of that all-at-once transition.
I already know my travel plans for this fall and have them to look forward to and not stress about making.
Some Things I’ve Loved Recently, and Some Potential Action Steps
This piece from Katherine May about her journey through her autism diagnosis. Also, this book of hers, always.
These vegan gummy bears from Sprouts. I’m working toward more pure vegetarianism, and one of my biggest challenges is gelatin; these are a good partial solution.
Vote Forward: while I’m not talking a lot about presidential politics here (because I honestly don’t know what I can add to that conversation that’s useful), there’s an election coming up in November that’s exceptionally critical to the future of this country. I’ve worked with Vote Forward since 2020 and find their model sustainable and possible, since it can be done alone or in community, and you get to choose the size of task you take on.
I’d love to know what things are already present for you (that might have been hiding under the summer haze), or anything you’re looking forward to about fall.
I’d love to see you for two more gentle hatha classes in September. Next weekend, there’ll be an update with October’s calendar, too.
